Lupine’s Life Update: July 2022. (Two years later)

Hi All. It’s been a while. Again!

I feel so relieved to no longer be feeling the anxiety and dread and isolation that we were all saddled with this time two years ago. Rereading my last post felt incredibly heavy, I’d forgotten just how terrified we all were, afraid to make plans or pick up food, travel or call up a friend to talk. I’m so thankful so much has changed in the last two years. I know we’re not through to the other side by any means, but things definitely feel lighter.

My concept of Time is feeling more and more regular too, like every day I get a bit better at noticing it and being able to rely on it. Unlike the last two years which felt simultaneously stalled and sped up, flying by or held in limbo. Time for me is more or less back to normal now, and while that still means it is going by way faster than I’d like, it is a comfort to know we’re all moving forward.

I’m sad to have not written in the last two years, since I rely so much on these posts to measure my life and where I’ve been. Realistically, I know taking the time to sit down and write down our feelings isn’t something we’ll be able to keep up with forever. We have families and obligations and competing priorities, and honestly I’m always a little scared to check in with my SELF. I never know what I’m going to find when I sit down to write one of these. But the zen I feel when I finish one these posts and the way they bring me back to who I was in past moments makes it worth it, and I’m not giving that up yet.

To take some of the pressure off I’m going to use a list and try to cover all the highlights of the last two years. TBD on how this will end up, but it feels good to start.

1. Arguably the biggest thing that happened in the last two years is I BOUGHT A HOUSE. After.. 6ish years of living in a tiny apartment (May 2016 to March 2022) I now own 2,500 square feet of yellow HOUSE on a hill. It’s been a lot. But also, surprisingly painless so far. I didn’t look too long, only toured about 10 houses, and it was the first one I put an offer in for. No major freak outs or broken things yet and I even had a family friend renter fall into my lap who is the best thing ever. Kind, clean, quiet, rarely here, works at a farm so we have endless veggies, seriously a dream. I’ve been in here 4 months and it feels like home more than anywhere I’ve lived since growing up. Every time I walk in the door I think, wow, I love this place. I can walk downtown to see my musicals, or walk home after hanging with friends at bars, or sit outside on the porch and write this post as the sun sets. This spring the front garden unexpectedly took off and since then it’s been flower after flower and joy after joy. I know not every thing is as rose-filled as my front yard, this weekend I weed whipped for hours and my backyard tree’s berries are the bane of my existence as they keep falling on my patio and sticking to everything they touch, but all complaints included, I know I’m stupid lucky to call this space mine.
2. I’ve become a host. In the many years I lived alone or even the many more when I lived with others, I rarely, if ever, invited anyone over. In the last 4 months, all that has changed. I’ve hosted so many events I’ve lost track. Dinner parties, game nights, porch hangs, garden explorations, home tours, visiting relatives, visiting friends, project nights, and work days. This month I even had Kathryn to stay as my first overnight guest, using my newly purchased pullout couch and everything. I cannot overstate what a blessing it is to have a place I feel comfortable asking people to visit. I’m still learning how to host best, things like knowing what food and drinks to offer are still stressful. And predicting which room we’ll hangout in isn’t obvious to me yet or how to time the readiness of all the food. But having people over is SO FUN and I’m grateful I have people that want to come to me and to where I’ve made a home.
3. I’ve made new friends.
   • Sarah & Casey, Katelyn & Tyler, Alex & Ashley (& Ben their 1^st grade son who I only see once a month ish and is my best friend).
     • In the precovid days, my friend Meagan brought me in to her college friend group when I moved back to Utah. I’d join them for brunch or a movie night, or see them at a party or be included in a group text, but I still always felt more or less on the outside. College friends, as we know well, are a hard gang to break into, so I was happy to be there but knew I’d likely never really be part of the crew. So in 2021 when things started opening back up, I surprised us all when I spontaneously accepted their invite to join their weekly DnD game night. Meagan and Rob weren’t part of the game night (they too often get distracted from games, not to mention they’re more than well known to cancel on plans), so suddenly I found myself part of the crew directly, instead of as a guest of Meagan’s.
     • DnD and these friends really deserve their own post, as it has become such a large part of my life for the last year. For now I’ll say that I LOVE that I know where I’ll be every Thursday (we only skip if someone is out of town, otherwise no canceling allowed). I love that I’ve gotten to know these people so much better, having a gang of friends to be included in feels really good. And I love that I now know what DnD actually is and that when I bring it up in conversation so many other people think I’m immediately so much more interesting. But also, I’ll say that DnD itself isn’t my favorite of games, since it is so much.. homework. My memory has never been great, so showing up each week I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and I’m letting them down by forgetting to use the things I learned months earlier. Luckily they’re kind to me and we spend most of the time trying to talk through our characters and less time on the battles. And I’ve been told that other DM’s or groups have different dynamics, but if it was up to me, we’d still show up every week rain or shine and play, any game (or JUST HANGOUT) other than DnD.
   • Melissa and Bryanna. I’ve causally known these coworkers for a few years before COVID hit and sometime last year we decided to set up a weekly remote happy hour where we sometimes work, sometimes gossip, but mostly just talk about our lives. They’re in their 30s like me and we’re all three very different (one is artsy/hippie, one is organized/foodie, I’m… all the things that I am), but that is what I love about us. So many different perspectives and lives, but also going through the same things at our company and the same things as we grow up. When we started our Monday call we were three single females who were thinking about buying homes. Now, a year or so later, we’re three single females who all own our own homes. This week one of them started dating someone new, and the other is representing our company in Chicago at a corporate event, who knows where we’ll all be this time next year.
   • So Many Coworkers. I’ve talked about this before, about how weird it is that we spend 90% of our days with people and they’re not ever technically friends. And for me, I know I take it further than most, making sure we’re connected and supported and really know each other as we work to make our company a better place. So, a majority of the last year has been building and letting go of coworker relationships as we ebb and flow. I’d be amiss to not mention their names here at least. Olivia, Liza, Evan, Obichukwu, Gayl, Lu, Elena, Romi, Pedro, Denise, Jeremy, Juan, Mariano, Margaret, Craig, Chris, Bill, Kyle, Alex, Melanie, Jon, Jordan, etc. I spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week on video calls with these people and 100s more. They’re more than coworkers, they’re friends. But also. Friends I’ll likely, ultimately leave. SO WEIRD.
4. I’ve WORKED. Man. I’ve learned and accomplished and toiled so much in the last year. And as exhausting and overwhelming and frustrating as it can be, every time I’m asked about it, I know I love it. I really do. I get to work with cool people, work for a cool company, try to do cool things. I’m running a very cool 6 person team, I’m not working at all on weekends or after 6 pm and everything I or we do is all on my terms and for the good of the 100 people we’re responsible for and the thousands of others that we impact. If that changes, or when, I’ll leave. I got offered a different job a few weeks ago within the same company and I told them no, leaving the door open to ask me again in 6 months. I saw my old boss at a party last night and he tried to convince me to come work for his new start up, “I’ll give you actual equity this time”, he promised. But I said no to that too, because right now, I’m genuinely so excited to be where I am. I love running this team. Work trips are picking back up again- I played paintball and danced until 1am and showed off my favorite parts of Santa Barbara last month, and now I’m going back again this month, ideally going to Argentina in the fall. There is so much to do, so much to improve, so much that inspires me to lean in. Its all in so much flux, people are overwhelmed and stressed and overworked and things are breaking way faster than we can fix them. It comes down to, if I don’t try to help they’ll be worse off, which makes me feel very overwhelmed and very awesome every day. Maybe I’ll want to lean in less in the future, but right now, I’m where I belong. And it feels great.
5. I’m Traveling Again!  Speaking of travel, man it feels good to travel again.
   • Seattle, Minnesota, Portland, Santa Barbara work trips, LA, Zion, Vegas, River trips. It feels like things are closer and closer to normal every day and every trip. I’m heading to Santa Barbara and Seattle in a few days for another 3 week adventure like I did in fall 2021 and early 2020 and summer 2019 and all the times before that. I keep thinking I’ll grow out of this, staying on friend’s couches and imposing on their time and space as I work, but here I am again, signing up for weeks on end of lack of sleep and confusion and logistics for the simple reasons that I love them and I love that city.
6. I’ve celebrated Weddings.
   • Lacey & Mark. My childhood best friend’s wedding was postponed by covid so a year after their courthouse marriage we hosted a backyard version with dresses and flowers and family in the spring of 2021. She didn’t have any bridesmaids officially but I was it, putting together the décor and picking up the cakes and supporting her and her mother in any way I could. Highlights include: during the service their next door neighbor started weed whipping so I ran over and knocked on their door, waving my hands wildly to ask the little old lady who answered to please wait ten minutes! She didn’t speak English, but seeing me in my dress was enough for her to call off her gardener. Also when we started taking down decorations she told me to throw everything away and instead I filled my suitcase with so much ribbon and decor that its lasted me through every gift giving occasion since.
   • Ally and Jeremy. In summer 2021 my family flew to Minnesota for my cousin’s campground wedding. Also a reception only type affair since they’d gotten actual married in fall 2020 with only family and the bride was now 7 months pregnant. Super fun to see family and celebrate both a wedding and an upcoming birth and our newly optimistic outlook that then end of lockdowns were in sight. On the way home that night I was the DD and I was pulled over by a cop (we found out later it was because I didn’t know how to turn on the headlights in my rental car..). I had to do the drunk tests on the side of the road while in a dress and heels. It was the most terrifying thing ever trying to walk in a straight line and follow instructions and recite the alphabet backwards. I was 100% unsure if I passed any of those tests so when he gave me the breathalyzer and I blew such a low number that her rolled his eyes and was like, we should have done this first. He let me go scot free and I then made my grandmother and parents and brother listen to me talk about if for another hour at least in the kitchen once we got home. Less learned, now I know that I should always just ask them for the real test first since the other ones aren’t a test of anything other than how you handle stress.
   • Sarah & Casey. I officiated a WEDDING in fall 2021. I can’t believe I didn’t write a post about it. I was SO stressed for so many months and minutes leading up to the actual event. I still cringe at the thought of the actual speech I gave, but I do have the comfort of the bride’s mom’s feedback of, “Initially I thought it was a bad idea for you to pick Laurel and not someone who has experience but she surprised me and did very well.” To avoid my stress about that speech and being responsible for something that big for people I knew kinda but not REALLY, I just went so entirely above and beyond on gifts for their bachelor(ette) parties in Vegas and wedding at a Portland vineyard. So I took video of the ceremony and party (the groom shouted at me during one point of the reception saying, LAUREL YOU’RE OUR GUEST NOT OUR VIDEOGRAPHER), I compiled their wedding vows with some of my speech into a pamphlet for their scrapbook, I made them a wreath out of wine corks that the venue posted as an ad on their instagram, I made a a pin the dragon on the dungeon master poster for the bachelorette party, and the paddles with the grooms face smiling on one side and unsure on another are still a hit with everyone a year later, many using them in their day to day life to communicate important decisions like whether they approve of the netflix movie chosen or not. So, in all I can safely say that I have no desire to ever officiate another wedding again, though if a close friend asks I also know I could never say no and really it brought out some of my best creative work ever. 
   • In a few days I’ll be up in the mountains celebrating a childhood friend’s nuptials and in September Katelyn and Tyler will get married in the mountains too. I’m feeling like I should be doing more to prepare, but I’m just a guest at these. So. Hopefully I just find a way to enjoy it without going above and beyond. I love weddings, can’t wait to share love with so many people I love.
7. River trips. I’m so grateful I wrote about the 2020 trip, rereading it puts me right back to the place where I felt so unsure of what was going to happen next. Since then, we’ve had even bigger adventures on our river trips, which… is… saying something. I’ll try to keep these short.
   • On our fall 2020 river trip our trailer wheel was seconds away from falling off and pulling us down to our deaths into a canyon when we noticed the sparks and stopped in the idyllic McCall, ID. Our mechanic said we could use his personal boat trailer to continue our trip while he fixed ours, but then after a day on the river the wildfire smoke was so bad we decided to call the trip early anyway. On the way back to McCall that night I hit a deer in our van while towing our loaned trailer, zero part of me tried to swerve, worried that any change of course would be a worse outcome than a straight on impact. After inspecting the damage and realizing we had no cell service anyway, we coasted down the hill to see only one sign lit up and glowing in the pitch black Idaho canyon. “FOOD, MOTEL, MECHANIC.” Needless to say we were grateful as they fed us, housed us, fixed our car, and got us back to McCall by mid day. Our adventure didn’t end there and we ended up waiting in McCall another few days for the trailer parts to arrive, spending time exploring the lake and hotel pool and local thrift shops. We even drove to Boise one day to pick up one of the parts to save our mechanic a trip. All in all, it was a memorable week, bonding my dad and my brother and his girlfriend in a way I’ll always be grateful for. And just one more example of how the people who you surround yourself matter so so much. Everything on that trip went wrong, but almost everything I remember about that trip I love.
   • In 2021 summer we went back to the scene where we ran out of gas, Alpine Canyon. Brother, and Max and I spent the weekend again in Alpine canyon, this time with a younger crowd of the boys I grew up with. Their girlfriends were mostly new to camping and rafting and the boys I hadn’t seen in years, so it was a totally different river trip than I was used to, if anything more of a party than a workout. I felt old for sure as I passed on the drugs and had to be explained each party game, but I also felt like the girlfriends were looking up to me, as a mentor and badass woman who has built a life and is out there living it. It was a new experience for me, to feel like I was someone to be looked up to instead of someone who is usually amongst the young ones or a third wheel in an established group or paring. And it felt really, really great to have this ancient connection with the boy group, like I belonged by birth, which I can’t thank my parents enough for.  
   • That spring I also was invited as somewhat of a chaperon on my long time friend’s family river trip, San Juan. I’ve known Rosie and Charlie, twins, since the week they were born, our mothers introduced us when I was only a few weeks old. Since then we’ve had millions of moments together, years where I’m closer to Charlie than Rosie or vice versa, and years where we’re all so busy we barely speak. But when we do come together it is clear we’re family, like cousins who have so much shared history and safely know that our intentions are always as simple as, “I wish every thing good for you always.” So when Rosie asked that I join the trip she’d planned to help her family spend time together, I knew it was because she trusted me to do all I could to help that happen. She and Charlie have never been all that close, struggling to communicate since they were kids. Their mother is also particularly judgmental and plays her cards close to the chest. And her and his significant others aren’t especially great at bridging that gap either, their differences in lifestyles are vast to say the least. Enter Lupine. Who genuinely LOVES every one of them for all their differences and also happens to be an expert river rafter and would LOVE to be part of their family bonding trip. Rosie took care of all the food and hiking spots and I was trip’s technical leader, rowing the boat and directing them on all the admin river trip things I was used to my dad or family friends taking care of. I felt talented and powerful all week, laughing with each person 1×1 or helping them to connect with each other, talking to other groups when we crossed paths and showing off by taking us through the best rapid routes. The last day I even ran into a few friends of friends at the take out and I hugged my new/old friends as Rosie and her family rolled their eyes “OF COURSE she’s off making friends.” Thinking back on this trip I feel like it’s a perfect showcase of the person I work very hard to be. That while I’m often absurd and weird and easy to roll your eyes at, I’m also the one you trust with things that are most precious to you (in this case, family, friendship, literal survival on a river).
   • And to round out 2021 we went on Westwater, which I also should definitely write a full post about. To keep things short, I’ll use more bullets!
     • I had a BLAST with the 12 year old daughter and 8 year old son of the man I wrote “Reconnecting with him 10 years later” about. I can’t remember how much I was worried about seeing him before the trip, but once on it I found my familiar semi fake confident self showing up in his presence. I took care to win over his kids and wife and it felt good to fall asleep every night not dreaming of some alternate reality. One of my favorite memories of the trip was when me and the kids spent a few hours alone up on the cliff, me just doing my best to let them share who they were and help them lean in to the positive parts of their developing brains. When we came down he and his wife thanked me profusely, saying that having those hours to just be adults with the rest of the group made all the difference. He and I didn’t talk too much one on one that week, and if anything I’m sure I did all I could to avoid it since I’d gotten my closure years earlier. I didn’t need any more validation. At the end of the trip he gave me his phone number, asking that I share all the pictures with him directly asap. I remember really looking at him as he handed me back my phone and feeling like I wanted to say something. Something like, I loved him. Not in a dramatic, 17 year old Laurel with a crush kind of way, but in a, MAN I just really hope you know I much I wish so so so much the best for you and your family kind of way. I smiled at him instead.
     • Side note, 12 year old girls are actually evil. I found myself on more than one occasion listening to his daughter tell me about how awful a friend of hers was and I just had to find nice ways to be like, NO THIS IS YOU BEING TERRIBLE NOT HER. YOU ARE THE BULLY IN THIS SITUATION. Like for real. We’ve all blocked out how bad middle school is. They need all the help we can give.
     • Max brought his new girlfriend on the trip and we found out she isn’t really into camping or fun or being a person anyone wants to be friends with. My memories of her on the trip is watching her pout on the boat, mad that he was having fun with his adoring niece and nephew and not her and watching him roll his eyes as he walked out of their tent that she spend the afternoons/evenings hiding out alone in. They moved in together shortly after that week and their year long lease is up in the next few weeks. He’s told me and most of his friends/family that he’s waiting out the lease and then going to end the relationship/move out. I can’t imagine being in a relationship where you’re literally just waiting out a lease, and part of me is super worried that he won’t actually go through with the breakup since they’ve stayed together for over a year now. But. It is his life. And all I can do is be a friend to him (and a good influence to remind him that there are people in the world that aren’t jerks).
     • The last day on our Westwater trip was traumatic to say the least. We went through a rapid and boats flipped and my brother’s girlfriend was underwater to long. Long enough for us to all be terrified and very much still traumatized years later. TBD on if she’ll ever come on a trip with us again or if we’ll ever do a river trip with dangerous rapids again. I rowed the two of them the rest of the day and to the take out and did my best to distract them, but it was a bad scene.
   • The next trip we went on was a few weeks ago, June 2022 Desolation Canyon. Brother and his girlfriend didn’t come (he had shoulder surgery to clean up a 15 year old injury so he has an excuse other than the terrible trip a year ago). Since this just happened and this post is already way too long.. I think it deserves its own post. Standby.
8. I’ve become a Dog Sitter
   • A family friend somehow got wind that I say yes to things, so for most of 2021 and 2022 I was on call to house and dog sit for their pup Tilly and her daughter’s dog Freya. Their house is beautiful and their dogs are very well behaved, so I’m glad I got to help them out. But she’s gone for a few weeks this summer too and I’m proud that I finally got the guts to say, I’m sorry I just can’t commit to helping out right now. I really, really value my current freedoms and I’m also just honestly not that much of a dog person. I mean, of course, dogs are cute and I want to pet and cuddle them when they’re around. But I also… don’t want one of my own right now. Maybe ever. So. There is that.
   • Also my brother’s dog Leia and I became close in the spring. She got cancer in the fall and after a few surgeries and no success my brother and his girlfriend made the choice to just enjoy what time she had left. That meant that she had bowel issues and needed to be let out every few hours so I stepped in and took her on lunch time walks twice a week for a few weeks. It was a great reset for me to get some air during the day and also a chance for me and her to connect, walking slowly through the neighborhood, enjoying the literal roses. When they put her down I was grateful that I’d gotten those weeks with her, as much for her as for me and for my brother. I know it made him feel better knowing that she was loved by so many, me included.
9. So many new babies! Both Daisy and Bluebell have new tots, and many, many of my other friends and family have or are about to as well. I’m super lucky to be able to straddle both worlds right now, playing the fun aunt and then also still playing with my childless friends/family. I’m so so grateful to have both, and even more looking forward to the years ahead. Can’t wait to talk with all those little minds raised by the people I love.
10. Not all things are good, right? I’m definitely a type of person that only remembers the good things and pushes away the bad, so.. take everything I’ve said with a more realistic and down to earth view in mind. Sitting here trying to think of the “bad” things to write about all I can really come up with is that while “all these things that I’ve done” 😉 are wonderful, and I’m sure so many other incredible moments I’ve forgotten to write about, I know there are so so so many others that I’ve missed out on. The older I get the more terrified I become of the actual end of our time in this incredible place. Years ago I wrote in a post that I’ve had so much good that I’d be at peace if it was all over at any time, and while I still feel like I’ve had SO MUCH more good than so so many people or things could hope for, lately I feel more and more fear that this period I’ve had of GOOD will ultimately end. So many of the people I know (or don’t) have had a rough few years. Cancer, deaths, breakups, mental health struggles, actual WAR, racial threats, loss of bodily autonomy. I’m afraid for the day when my very safe and happy and privileged bubble is broken. I have so much, I know it is inevitable that one of these days it will end. So. For now. I do what I can to be SERIOUSLY GRATEFUL and to bring joy to others where I can.