I turn 29 in a little under a month.
I keep trying to think of what I want and I’m coming up shockingly blank. How do I want to celebrate? What kinds of gifts would I love? What things do I need to do before I’m 30? I don’t really need any things, I can go to dinner or the aquarium or a hike with my family or friends any time I want, and I’m not that worried about turning 30 (anything I can do now I’ll also be able to do then). So how do I make this birthday (or next) special? Do I even need to? Does any of it matter without my twin anyway? š
Lately it seems like everyone is talking about things they want to do for their 30th. Treks through Bali, rented cabins in the mountains, trips to Disneyland – all with the expectation that their friends will join. I want to attend all these things, and I think I’ll have the financial freedom and work flexibility to do so, but a part of me is worried that that year will fill up too quickly with things that aren’t really my choice. Suddenly I’m realizing that I might spend my 30th year celebrating everyone else’s. And what if that isn’t what I want?
The things I really want are bigger than a trip or dinner. I want to own a company and publish a book. I want to have a family and be a rock climber. I want to submit a film to Sundance and renovate a house I own. I want to hike more, read more, cook more, bike more, create more, dance more, sleep more, be more. I want to be more confident, more informed, more understanding, more talented. I want my friends to be happier, healthier, more successful. I want to world to be better, kinder, clearer. I want so many things – if I really wanted happiness I’m sure the key would be to want less.
I know I don’t really need any of it. And most days I’m secure in the fact that I’m so grateful for everything I do have and have had. I don’t need to ask for anything else, I definitely don’t expect anything else, so all I can do is just hope.
I hope in a few weeks when I turn 29 I’ll have more clarity on the things I want, be more sure of my priorities. I know I can’t accomplish something if I don’t choose it, and I would love feel more confident in the priorities I work towards. That would be a great birthday gift.
But in the likely event that I’m not gifted decisiveness or world peace, at least I know I’ll get to have a great time celebrating with all the other 30th birthday adventures in the years to come. Spending time with the people I love is a priority I’ll never loose.
It is interesting how lives can be so different. I don’t feel like I know anyone turning thirty around the same time as me (other than my you, Bluebell, and Daisy of course!). I guess it comes with living so far from my home town and high-school year group. Most of my friends are several years older (or occasionally younger) than me, so we don’t have that common twenties-almost-thirties bond. However, I completely identify with not knowing what you want in life and having to try hard to disentangle the things you really want from what you pick up from others around you. It’s hard knowing the best way to structure one’s life and time. If you figure it out– let me know š
I think milestone birthdays are a good excuse/opportunity to do something extra special, but you’re right that it’s somewhat arbitrary. Want to take a trip to Bali or Disneyland? It could just as easily happen when you’re 29 or 31. I don’t have any big plans for my 29th or 30th. What would make it special for me is being able to spend it with friends I don’t get to see much anymore, but living overseas puts a damper on that, unfortunately. It’s crazy to think it’s been almost 6 years since I celebrated my birthday with you three! I love you, twin, and all of your goals and dreams.
I think we all labor under the illusion that at some defined point or year we will ‘have it all figured out’. But honestly, I think we are never done ‘figuring it out’. I think that is just one of the most beautiful and frustrating things about life. There always seem to be more questions than answers. No matter how old you are.