Revisiting A Post (Or More)

I think it is very indicative of how I’ve been feeling lately that it has been so hard for me to settle on an old post to revisit.

Bluebell tasked each of us this month with writing an update to an old post, and I can’t choose; my indecision and serious FOMO issues make me want to write an update to all of them. But instead of writing one for all, I just can’t seem to finish any. 

Condition of the Month: Taylor Swift

I meant to take this chance to tell you about how I saw Taylor Swift in concert this summer, about how I’d never really wanted to see her live, and that it ended up becoming one of my favorite nights of my life. I had a blast dancing like crazy with strangers in a crowd who quickly became friends, and it was empowering to see how much joy an event she created brought to so many of us. But it was hard to be there alone too, and I struggled this summer in California as I forced myself to be alone in public more than I was used to. I didn’t belong there, and it sucked to feel like I wasn’t in the right place at the right time. I want to be able to pick another song of hers for my life right now, but as I listen to them all as I write this, they all fit. Maybe that means I’m still trying to find A Place in This World.

My Sister

Then I tried to put into words how I feel about My Sister, about how guilty I feel that my brother’s new girlfriend isn’t someone I hope he’ll bring into our family. How selfish am I that I don’t envision her as the type of sister I want? How unfair am I being that I’m comparing her to an imaginary person that could never exist? I still have no shortage of women in my life who I love and love me, why do I still feel like if he chooses her I’m missing out on a chance to have that space a little closer to being filled? I hate that I feel like this. I see he is happy, I want him to be happy, why can’t I just be happy for him? What do I do if I always feel like this?

I Might Actually Want to Live Alone

But that post is something I really don’t want to have saved for eternity, so I thought about writing about how now that I live alone, everything I predicted before came true. I seriously love it, I’m probably too comfortable, probably less social, probably less likely to learn new things or meet new people. But it also was SO DIFFICULT the last few months in CA living with AirBnb caretaker/house mates that I felt like were always in my business. I hated feeling watched or obligated to check in, or judged for what I wore, or what music I listened to, or how I spent my weekends. Even simple nice things like asking how my day was just made me exhausted. I realized how out of practice I am of living with people. And I don’t know how to feel about it. 

Condition of the Month- February

And then there is this COTM post from six years ago, where we all did our best to look back another six years to our high school selves and see how our dreams have changed. How have I changed from then, from six years before then? I don’t know. I think the honest answer is I’m still exactly the same. I still bounce between scared and stressed, optimistic and powerful with the same frequency as I did when I was 18 or 24. I’m still absolutely convinced in the beauty of the world and the people in it, often still struggle to see it. And I was right six years ago when I said I needed to learn to live without a timeline. Nothing has been planned or gone as planned in the last six years, and when I look forward to the next six I don’t see anything guaranteed either. I see a hundred different paths I know I’d love to have happen, but there isn’t one that I know I’ll fight for yet. Sometimes I feel like I should be making more plans, that my 20s were a time when planning didn’t make sense, but as I enter my 30s I’ll need to be more deliberate. But planning can be limiting too, there is so much I don’t know.