I am in a definite period of waiting right now. Waiting to turn 30 (tomorrow!), waiting to become a mom, and waiting to figure out what I want to do career wise. As I reflect on my 30th birthday, I have to say I definitely never thought I would be in this position at this point in life. But what is life except ruined plans that turn into something else?
I know it sounds like I’m frustrated with where I am in life, but I’m really not. I’m more….restless, curious, hopeful. I can’t really explain it. I am certain that quitting my job 3 months ago was the right choice, and I don’t regret anything that’s happened. And honestly, I’m not even anxious about having a baby right now. Getting pregnant when I was a stressed and unhealthy as I was while my husband was away and I was at a job I hated, would have been terrible timing. But now, we’ve traveled internationally, spent lots of quality time together, and I’ve been able to shed the stress I’d been carrying around. And so I find myself thinking….what next? What sort of job do I want? Do I even want a paying job or do I just want to throw myself into volunteer work? Or should I just focus on starting a family and that’s enough?
I’m not an overly ambitious person by nature but I don’t want to feel like I’m doing nothing. Am I selling myself short if I don’t try to go after some job that I would be passionate about? I think about that all the time, but yet when I go to look at starting to apply for places I have no motivation. Does that mean I just haven’t found the right path yet and when I do I’ll want to jump on the application process? I want to believe that the right opportunity will come along, but what if I’m supposed to be looking harder to find it? But the other problem is that I don’t want to just jump into the first thing that I think I could do. And also, what if I do find the right opportunity, but then I’m pregnant and I’m going to have to stop working in 9 months anyway. If that’s the case, is it even worth it to look for something important right now, or should I just find some random part time gig that’s easy and low stress and gets me out of the house on a regular basis? I’ve told everyone that I’m just going to wait til after the holidays, since I would hate to start something new and then want a bunch of time off right away for Christmas and birthdays. But am I just using that as an excuse so that I can put off thinking about my future? Maybe?
I find it incredibly ironic that I’m turning 30 and I feel like I have more questions than ever. I think that in reality, the older you get, the more you realize you’ll never have it all figured out. Say I have a baby and some volunteer gig that I love, then I’ll be questioning what the right school is for my child and if I’m using good parenting techniques and if I should be trying to make money instead of just giving my time away. I know that its ok to not have it figured out. But waiting is just….uncomfortable sometimes. Because you can’t help but wonder, when will the waiting end and the new chapter begin? I closed a door, I just don’t know when another one will open.
You’re on the cusp of a new decade that could take you in many different directions, and waiting to see what direction that will be can definitely be hard. I’m glad you’ve found peace and rest in this time and been able to jettison the stress from your last job. It’s awesome that you aren’t being driven crazy by the fact that you aren’t pregnant yet, too! As for job stuff I think the priority should be choosing something that you will find fulfilling, fun, etc whether that is paid or unpaid, part-time or full-time. The baby stuff will work itself out, but you have at least 9 months before that life change, and you can accomplish a lot in that time (and once you have a kid you will probably miss the freedom to work at whatever you might want to do, so now is a good time to explore some options!). Pray for direction to something that will utilize your gifts, whether that is a job, a volunteer gig, serving at church, or a combination of everything! Love you Daisy and I’m so excited for your future as well as the cool stuff you have gotten to do in the last few months of freedom from that crappy job!