If I haven’t officially announced the genders of my twins here on the blog, it’s about 6 weeks overdue, and for that, I apologize. I’m having twin boys! The jury is still out on whether they are identical or fraternal. For a while we were being told they were identical, and now our doctor seems to think they are fraternal. Whatever. I’m about 80% sure they’re fraternal, which is preferable in my book, because who wants to have two kids who look exactly alike?
The gender reveal at 16 weeks didn’t really shock us. At that point we believed they were identical, and two boys just seemed more likely than two girls. After all, we both come from male-heavy families, and we have five nephews to only two nieces. It was exciting, though, to know for sure, and it definitely made the babies seem more like, well, babies, rather than mysterious fetuses. Since then, we’ve been eagerly referring to them by their womb names, Twitch and Groot, and calling them collectively, “the boys.” Though we don’t have real names chosen and likely won’t for quite some time, since my husband is reluctant to discuss it and has yet to come up with a single name he likes, I think we both feel a lot closer to the babies now, and knowing their genders was a big part of that. They are still kind of imaginary, but they are much easier to imagine now.
When people ask what we’re having, they often follow it up with some kind of question about whether that’s what we wanted, and I usually answer honestly that we both would have preferred a boy and a girl. But does that mean I’m sad we’re having two boys? No. Rather, I feel that I can be overjoyed at the thought of my two sons and, simultaneously, acknowledge that it wouldn’t have been my first choice.
I’m thrilled that they will have each other as best friends throughout life; it seems likely that they will share a close bond, being same-gender twins. I can envision my husband playing with them and sharing all his masculine interests that I never quite got into–they’ll be three peas in a pod, and I can’t wait to see them interact! And if they are anything like our nephews, they will be funny, loving, wonderful kids.
Still, sometimes I feel a bit wistful about the fact that we’re not having a girl. I’d like to have more children, but of course, there’s no guarantee we’d have a girl then either, and having to rely on IVF to make it happen means we could well decide to be content with two. I think I always pictured myself having a daughter someday, and the thought that I could end up exclusively a boy-mom is a little foreign. With the strong female friendships I’ve always had in my life, and the dose of feminism that makes up part of my worldview, it just seemed natural that I would have the chance to raise a strong, smart, confident girl. I didn’t know what she would look like or what her name would be, but I felt as though I knew her already, whereas these two boys are still a little foreign to me. To bid farewell to that hypothetical girl is its own kind of loss, and when I stop to think about it, it does feel just a bit like mourning.
At the same time, I wouldn’t take back a moment of the process that has resulted in these two little guys–I’ve loved them since I laid eyes on them as five-day old blastocysts…even before that, in fact. I know these are the children we are meant to have right now, and every day carrying them is an honor and a blessing. I may not have the chance to raise a mighty girl, but I’d better figure out how to raise mighty boys.
Twitch and Groot!! I love it. And I’m SO excited for you.
But I also completely relate to the very real fear that you’ll never connect in the same way with your sons as you could with a daughter. I’ve always placed a great amount of value in my female relationships, and I know you’re not wrong in mourning the daughter you could have had in this set. Especially now, when so many masculine traits are being reevaluated in our society, I connect with women in ways that the XY’s in my life will never understand. But I also know that I relate to and talk with and trust and admire my brother and my father in ways that I never have or will with my mother. They’re incredibly sensitive and kind and talented people, who (though it annoys me to say it) I know wouldn’t have been the same had they been born women. Their tough, discerning, kind, funny, parents accomplished something with them that I know many others did not, and I couldn’t be more grateful to have them in my life. I am SO excited that you, a strong, intelligent, awesome woman, gets to raise two boys in a world that is making it normal to blend traditionally male and female qualities more and more every day. I’m optimistic that when your boys are preteens, adolescents, and adults they’ll be coming to you for the conversations and connections that in the past, (or with different parents), they never would have.
Hey! Apologies for taking so long to reply but I have had your post on my mind for some time. It is funny the way things often go the way we don’t expect (although you said two boys were not unexpected from some angles..). For me, it is the opposite. For some reason, it is easier for me to imagine raising a boy than a girl and my husband and I always refer to our offspring as ‘he’ when we imagine the future. However, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if when the time come it’s a girl… things have a way of happening in the way you don’t imagine they will- and it always ends up being the best thing ever! I am sure you and your husband will be happy beyond reason with your little boys.