Ya’ll, I’m back with one of my favorite topics: my BROTHERS! And sisters-in-law, and brothers-in-law. Between my husband’s family and my family I now have two brothers, three SIL, and two BIL. My brothers have always been notoriously poor at keeping in touch, something my mom and I vent to each other about pretty regularly. Recently, though, I’ve felt my older brother’s absence more so than usual; I have spoken to him on Facetime exactly once since we last saw each other in person in July, shortly after his wedding. Aside from a couple of mono-syllabic messages, that’s been the extent of my contact with him, and everything else I know about his life comes via my mom or my SIL’s blog. In his particular case, as you guys know, he has pretty good excuses to be busy right now. His new wife is going through cancer, they’re both working with all their free time to try and get out of debt, and they are newlyweds, who aren’t typically known for prioritizing other relationships. My youngest brother has no such excuses, but he’s an extreme introvert, and I know he doesn’t reach out to anyone, including my parents’, whom he lives with. It’s nothing personal that I have to rouse him out of bed at 10 am with aggressive Snapchatting if I want him to talk to me. Still, though, I miss them both, and my new sister-in-law too, whom I would love to get to know better. It got me thinking though…why bemoan the fact that it’s so hard to keep in touch with my twenty-something brothers when the thirty-something crew on my husband’s side isn’t any better? Come to think of it, none of my siblings, regardless of where they have lived or what stage of life they’ve been in over the past decade or so has made much of an effort to keep in touch with us. Is my family the exception, or the rule? Why is being a good sibling while being a functional adult seemingly so hard to do?
I live thousands of miles away from all of them, and have for the past 7+ years, so the main times we hang out are at Christmas and during our annual summer vacation back to the US. With the world spreading out more and more these days, I know it’s not unusual for people to only really have significant quality time with, or even see their siblings and other relatives at all, a couple of times a year. In between those times, though, a lot of life happens, and I’d like to be able to share more of it with my siblings. Historically, that hasn’t really happened unless I make the first move…and the second…and the third.
When my husband and I got married back in 2012, his two siblings were already married and had two kids apiece. They were in the throes of young parenthood, trying to build their careers and their families and stay on top of the laundry, and everything else that comes with that crazy time of life. We’d call my sister-in-law on Skype maybe once a month, but it was hard to get any real conversation in because she always had young kids underfoot. And young kids are categorically awful at sitting still and talking to a screen. My other SIL, who was also a stay-at-home-mom during those years, we weren’t as close to, so it felt more awkward to reach out via video call. Neither family responded to emails well or posted much on social media, so pretty much everything we knew about our nieces and nephews and siblings came via my in-laws, who saw them both in person multiple times a week. Now I’m the one with littles at home, while all but one of my nieces and nephews is in school full time. You’d think this would give my sisters-in-law more time to keep in touch, but if anything, we hear from them even less now. One volunteers in her kids’ classrooms for hours each week and teaches swimming lessons on the side, and the other is in the process of starting her own business and restoring the colonial farmhouse they moved into on the other side of the country a couple years ago. They’re wiping fewer butts and noses these days, but it doesn’t seem to make them more available. Their husbands, my brothers-in-law, work long hours, and if I got a message or phone call from one of them I would probably assume someone had died, because it would be that rare.
Although I’ve been part of this extended family for more than seven years now, I still don’t feel like I really know any of my siblings-in-law that well. Some better than others, of course, but all of them are flaky enough about keeping in touch that I’ve become hesitant to even keep reaching out. I made a family whatsapp group a couple of years ago, thinking it would be a great way to send quick messages and photos to the whole clan, but my husband and I are the only people who post regularly, and my in-laws are usually the only ones who take the time to respond to anything we send.
Maybe I’m just more addicted to my phone than the rest, but to me it doesn’t feel like a burden at all to check my messages at least once a day. I can send a photo or an emoji in seconds, but when I’m the only one making these overtures, I start to wonder why I’m bothering.
In contrast, I have multiple friend groups that are also spread out over long distances, with whom I find it much easier to keep in contact. Facebook groups, blogs, whatsapp groups, these are all tools that make it so easy for me to connect with people I care about, even if we can’t be together in person. I guess I wonder why it’s somehow easier to maintain friendships than it is sibling relationships?
Is it because we take our siblings for granted, since they’ve always been there? Certainly, since we’re united by family rather than by common interests, I don’t always have as much in common with my siblings as I do with my friends. But I still believe we are, or should be, connected. My parents and in-laws do a pretty good job of staying in our lives despite the distance (my in-laws call us almost every day, sometimes twice, just to say hi, and they did that even before we had kids). But our parents won’t live forever. At some point, it will just be my siblings and their children left as our extended family, and I want us to be close enough that the absence of the matriarch and patriarch doesn’t dissolve our bonds.
It’s probably natural that I’m keying into this more now that I’m a mother too. My husband’s siblings and their spouses are a few years ahead in the parenting journey, and I long to learn from their expertise. It would be so nice if I could shoot off a quick question about ear infections or a selfie of my exhausted face after a sleepless night to my sisters-in-law and have them respond within tips, humor, or commiseration. Unfortunately, I’m more likely to get a quick and thoughtful response from one of the mom facebook groups I’m in, from women who don’t know me or my children at all, but have still taken the time to share some wisdom.
I know I’m making it sound like I’m the one doing all the legwork in these relationships, but the truth is that as time goes on, I’m getting lazier about it too. I think I’ll never give up on my brothers, maybe because pestering them is an innate part of my makeup, and I’m not afraid of what they think of me. But with the others I’ve dropped the ball a lot more since my kids were born, sending the occasional photo but not actually making the effort to draw them out individually or show much interest in their lives. I could say that I’m pulling back because they haven’t reciprocated in the past, but is that just me falling into this trap myself? Focusing more and more on my own newly formed nuclear family and waiting for major holidays to force me to pay attention to my siblings? If you were to ask each of them about this, would they say they have the same frustrations about my husband and me–that we’re aloof and and been too preoccupied with the adventures of our early marriage to keep in touch?
Unfortunately, it’s hard to know how they would respond to these questions. How can I know what’s going on inside their heads when I barely even understand what they do for a living and have no idea which sports their kids are playing this season? There’s only one way to change this, and that’s to be consistent, perseverent, and simply better than I have been at reaching out to all my siblings. I just don’t know if I’m motivated enough to do that right now.
GREAT POST! Lots of tough things to unpack and I love how you always think through both sides, but in the end you know the answer always is to keep in touch. Even if it isn’t as often as it has been or could be or one of you wants, as long as you don’t find yourself in a situation where you feel like you CAN’T reach out, then all is well.
Harboring resentment, or actively deciding “I’m done!” or “I won’t call them until they call me” only hurts the person who chooses that. I’ve seen a lot of friends do that to family and friends, and it continues to take up so much of their mental space to hold on to those grudges and decisions. I know there are people who aren’t good to have in our lives, and that it is healthy even to stop communicating, but I think there are ways to remove people or bad behaviors from your life without doubling down on an all or nothing approach. If my friend decides to limit themselves like that, then to reach out or to not becomes more about their own pride, rather than how they actually feel now or in a year or 5. And the person they’ve cut off is more than likely unaware of the stress they’ve caused.
My friend’s dad isn’t invited to her wedding this spring, just for the simple fact that she’s hurt he hasn’t put more effort into keeping in touch over the years. I know this decision is causing her immense stress now, on the day, and for the rest of her life. He, however, I’m sure will only slightly feel that effect. I’m genuinely convinced that if she just called him and said, hey this is happening fyi show up if you can, and treat him as a random uncle guest, she’d free up so much more of her heart and mind to spend on better things than a guy who just isn’t great at keeping in touch.
I know your situation isn’t that kind, all your siblings will always be in your life. And I know my friend’s issues with her father aren’t mine to solve. But. It just breaks my heart to see how the people who get hurt in these communication struggles, aren’t the ones who are the “poor” communicators, but are the ones who decide that they think they’d rather have none. Something is better than nothing, just for the sheer mental space it takes to hold on to the nothing.