The new year is here, which means the holiday season has just passed, and it wouldn’t be the holidays without a bit of family drama, would it? Remember my brother’s girlfriend? Well, she’s still around and on the verge of becoming a permanent fixture. Their relationship was already serious in the summer after just a few months of dating, but since then they have taken things to the next level by effectively merging their finances (my brother paying off significant personal debt of hers), taking a trip to introduce my brother to her family, and starting to plan a wedding.
They aren’t engaged yet, mostly because they’ve had a busy fall and haven’t had time for ring shopping, but a few conversations with them over Christmas made it clear that nuptials are on the horizon in 2019, perhaps much sooner than any of us were expecting. Here are some actual quotes from them on the matter:
Him: “I don’t believe in long engagements.”
Her: “ I was going to get a new driver’s license but since I’ll be changing my name soon I decided to wait.”
Him: (In response to teasing about the fact that he’s losing his hair) “I only needed it to find a wife.”
I have been sure for a while that they were committed to each other and planning to get married, but the vibe these days, now that I have actually spent some facetime with them both, is clear: they are actively planning a wedding for early 2019, which is both exciting and inconvenient.
I found some alone time with each of them and quizzed them about the plans, and I was somewhat shocked to find that they were leaning towards a specific date: May 11th. I knew my brother had expressed the idea of an “early summer wedding,” but I had blown that off in the past because I thought, surely once he gets around to proposing, they will realize how much time planning a wedding takes and push it back a few months. Well, it doesn’t seem like that’s the case. They have a tentative guest list, preferred date, venue, photographer, and a strategic plan to keep the bride’s bitterly divorced parents from ruining the whole thing. And guys, May 11th is hella soon.
My problem with this plan doesn’t stem from concerns that they are rushing into things. They only met 9 months ago, and this is my brother’s first relationship (cue gasps–but I’m over that). I too married the first person I dated, and I did so when I was four years younger than they are right now. Come to think of it, I also had a pretty short engagement and set my wedding date only about three months in advance, so I know I’m pot calling the kettle black to some degree. But I also have a real, legitimate problem with this happy event occuring on May 11th: it will make it next to impossible for me to be there.
My husband has work commitments that will keep him from taking any vacation until the end of June, so we had been planning to take our big summer trip home in July, probably for about a month. If the wedding is in May, it means my husband can’t go, which means by default that our twin babies can’t go, because after some thought I have decided there’s no way in hell I’m taking a 28 hour trip around the world with two 14-month olds, by myself. And THAT means that unless my brother changes his plans, I’ll be forced to decide whether attending my brother’s wedding is worth buying a $1200 plane ticket and traveling alone, leaving my kids behind in another country, and doing the whole exhausting journey roundtrip in a week or less. To me, the obvious solution is to start considering dates in July and August, when the weather will be better and they’ll have more time to plan, and the one and only sister of the groom, yours truly, can be there. There’s only one problem: my brother has his heart set on getting married as soon as humanly possible, and he views my request as yet another example of me trying to make everything in our family revolve around me (a common criticism levied against me by my family over the years).
He’s right, of course, in one sense. This wedding isn’t about me, and if that time works well for everyone else, I can see why changing everything and delaying two months just so I won’t be inconvenienced seems like a big ask. There are always people who can’t make it to your wedding…I just never thought I would potentially miss this one. In his eyes, it’s my fault for choosing to live so far away, and he reacted defensively when I even broached the concern. It almost sounded like, as long as both sets of parents and the bride’s best friend/wedding photographer are free, everyone else is expendable. The best friend, being a wedding photographer, is of course getting quite booked up for summer weekends already (BECAUSE NORMAL PEOPLE PLAN WEDDINGS AT LEAST SIX MONTHS AHEAD). I keep being told, Kristina only has one date left in May. Well, what about Juy? What about August? If she’s your best friend, why can’t she finagle an open date later in the summer? Well, my dear brother doesn’t even want to consider anything past June 22nd. He told me in a message yesterday that he’d check about late June (after my hubby’s big work trip) but he wanted me to realize how big a sacrifice, personally and financially, he’d be making. That’s right. May 11th is ideal for them because it’s A. super soon and B. the same time he needs to find a new lease anyway. And C. super soon. It doesn’t matter that this date doesn’t work for me at all, or that our other brother is graduating college on May 4th and his accomplishment will be completely overshadowed.
We’ve been exchanging tense messages the last couple of days, and somehow what I thought was a pretty civilized, if somewhat selfish, request, has become a battle of wills between my brother and me. He doesn’t want to cater to my needs, even if it makes more sense, and both of us are feeling a lot of emotions because at the end of the day, we both know it will be sad if I’m not there.
I know that part of what makes planning a wedding stressful is trying to please everyone’s family members, and I hate that I have suddenly become one of those annoying people trying to throw a wrench in their plans. It’s their day, and it won’t matter in thirty years whether I was there or not. What matters will be what kind of relationship we forge together over those years, and I definitely don’t want to start out holding a grudge or being bitchy because they didn’t do things my way.
So part of me wishes I could take back everything I’ve said to him in the past two days and play it cool, and if I can make it I do and if I can’t I send a nice gift and enjoy the photos that the all-important Kristina will take, and we plan something fun to do together later in the summer after they’re married. Take the high road, be the supportive sister/sister-in-law, and accept that things don’t always work out the way I’d like. But in typical me fashion I already freaked out on them and got under my brother’s skin, and I’m not sure how to salvage the situation now.
I’ve been so psyched for him that he’s found someone he’s so crazy about and she’s equally crazy about him. They’re young and in love, and while everything about their relationship isn’t perfect, it’s got a lot going for it, and I’m so happy to welcome a sister into our family. But over the years, as I’ve teased him about his failings with girls, tried to set him up with others, listened to the recaps of dozens of first dates, and prayed for the one he’d eventually find, all along I’ve imagined his wedding day. In my mind, I’ve seen the way he’ll smile when he spies her at the end of the aisle, I’ve envisioned the two of us sharing a loving but awkward dance late in the reception, I’ve filed away jokes I could use if I were to give a toast.
I only have two brothers, and I never imagined that one of them would get married and I wouldn’t be there for it. But all I can do now is hope they decide to accommodate me, and, if they do, that my brother doesn’t hold it against me.
May 11th! That is pretty coming up soon! And I would certainly not call it ‘early summer’. End of June/ first half of July = early summer.
In general, my family has never been a big one for ceremonies. I actually have never gotten around to graduating with my doctorate. My own inclination would be to miss the wedding- like you said, it is the relationship you build with your brother that matters- not your attendance on a specific day. However, I know that for some people ceremonies are extremely important. One of my friends in London has mentioned several times how much it meant to her that her mom came all the way from the US for her graduation (whereas I wouldn’t mind at all if mine stayed home to come visit for longer at a more convenient time). So it may be that this is something very, very important to your brother- and he will remember forever that you came ALL THE WAY from Saudi just for his wedding. If this is the case, you probably should go. Basically it just depends what sort of person you are and he is.
I’m not sure how important it is to him. I think it is pretty important, but I don’t know if he will view it as, “Wow, I’m so glad my sister came all this way,” or if he will view it as “Of course she should have come all that way–it’s her fault she chose to live so far away.” I think I’m the one who actually values being there more, but part of that is because of how I have always imagined this kind of event to be in my head, which in actuality is probably not how it will be…somehow weddings seem extra special in my mind. My other brother graduates college the week before and I honestly don’t care if I’m there or not. But a wedding…my brother’s wedding…I just really want to be there even if it is just a ceremony.
For all the things your brother says and has said over the years (and you too for that matter Bluebell!), I’ve seen how much he loves and looks up to you. I know he (like you) will be really hurt if you aren’t there, even if he knows that rationally there are many reasons both you and he couldn’t compromise.
Maybe it is because I’m still so firmly baked into my first family unit, I can’t even consider the option of not attending my sibling’s wedding. For me, a brother’s wedding isn’t just an addition of a new person to the family, it is acknowledging that now he’s going to have another family unit that is more important. It a celebration, a ceremony, and a good bye. I think you need to be there to send him off.