This is 30

Lupine and I just celebrated the big birthday–30. I knew I wanted to write something to reflect on this milestone, and there are a million ways I could go with this post. But in the end I decided to take a look at how I celebrated my big day and what that says about me as I enter a new decade.

Becoming a mom in my 30th year of life was, without a doubt, the biggest life change I have gone through to date. Practically, having twin babies at home meant that I knew I wouldn’t be doing anything spectacular to ring in my birthday this year, but I was hopeful my husband would come up with some way to surprise me or make my day special. His idea turned out to be that I should escape the boys for a spa day in the big city with my girlfriends, and of course I was happy to jump at his offer of all-day babysitting. It wasn’t something I would have chosen for myself even a couple of years ago…a lot of money spent to basically sit by a pool, which I can do for free pretty much anytime. But, things have changed, and I was excited to have a girls day and do some true relaxing, sans babies.

I started planning the trip and invited six or seven friends, most of whom have kids as well. One couldn’t come because she would be out of town, and another works on Saturdays and had to beg off. But everyone else was game, and I eagerly booked us taxis and corresponded with the spa to get everyone’s treatments booked. Two days before, another friend backed out because she decided she couldn’t bear to leave her 10 month old all day. It wasn’t entirely a surprise; just the week before she had been telling me how hard it was for her to leave the baby with her husband for an hour while she got a manicure on their recent vacation. My friend works full time, so evenings and weekends are precious, which I entirely understand. But I still felt irked that she was bailing on my party–not because her child was sick or she didn’t have a sitter, but because she didn’t want to spend that long away from her daughter. But was her reasoning any less legitimate than those other excuses?

I wondered why I felt so judgy about her choice. After all, it makes perfect sense that someone who has to spend 8 hours a day away from their baby would want to be protective of the time they do have on the weekends. I don’t think it was just irritation that I had to change our transportation plans and cancel her massage at the last minute. After reflecting on this more, which I was able to do while lounging poolside with my journal that lovely day, I’ve realized that I felt judgmental of my friend because of my own mom guilt. That is, seeing another mom’s choices and priorities made me question my own. The result? I was defensive and annoyed.

Should I have been nervous and wistful about leaving my boys at home all day? It was the first time I left them for more than a couple of hours for something completely optional, but to be honest, I didn’t feel a speck of ambiguity about my decision when my husband first proposed the idea. While my friend felt her heart being torn in two different directions and eventually followed her emotions and prioritized quality time with her baby, I was sprinting out the door with a smile on my face. There are many reasons for this, including the fact that she and I have different personalities. Working versus not working outside the home makes a huge difference. At the same time, I know we are only two points on the mom spectrum–there are certainly stay-at-home moms out there who wouldn’t be comfortable leaving for the whole day until their child was much older, and there are working moms who would jump at the chance for a day of self-care. None of these moms are in the right more than the others; we’re all just making the choice that’s best for us and our families. My friend isn’t a more devoted mother than I am just because she was willing to sacrifice her me time, and I’m not heartless or selfish because I enjoyed myself too much to miss my babies.

In the end, only three of us ended up making the trip to the spa that day. But we had great conversation, luxurious treatments (full body mud wrap!), and several glorious hours of peaceful relaxation, which all moms can most definitely use! I had a fabulous time, despite the fact that I’ve never really been a spa person before. The goofy parties and nights out on the town I favored in my early 20s aren’t exactly an option anymore, but a quiet day to recharge and relax turned out to be the perfect thing to celebrate being 30. My birthday preferences have changed because I have, and my daily life responsibilities have as well. I’m entering into a season of life–new motherhood–that will make me question so many things about myself and the job I’m doing. I hope I can remember not to fall into the mom guilt trap and to avoid judging others. And I hope for more amazing spa days in my future, maybe with my flower friends next time?

I have a feeling that this next decade will bring some very serious challenges as my boys grow up and I wrestle with balancing motherhood alongside all the other things I want to do: maintaining a great marriage, continuing my career, and giving back to my community. So I’m glad I celebrated my birthday getting exactly what I needed–a full day to just relax, breathe, and be grateful for all I’ve been given.

This is me at 30, ya’ll. A new mom who is figuring it all out, re-evaluating and re-prioritizing EVERYTHING, and constantly sleep-deprived. And blessed. Very blessed.