Indecisive and Stressed

I’m stressed.

I can feel it in my heartbeat. Often the pulses come a little too fast, usually feel a little too strong. I can feel it in my face. Even when resting, my eyebrow and jaw muscles never quite let go. I have to focus on each muscle inch by inch and tell it to relax. My body feels strong, ready to get and up and move, accomplish anything I ask it to, but my mind is too tired to ask. My head feels groggy and grumpy, exhausted and annoyed. All I want to do is sleep, hide away, rest up for whenever it is I’ll feel better.

I can blame how I feel on a lot of things, and of course it always a combination. I drink coffee now, which can account for the fluctuations in my heartbeat. I’m getting older, my brain cells are starting to die faster than they’re built, maybe that is why I’m moving a bit slower lately. And there is the big one, that I’m working for a company who doesn’t know where I fit, and what is worse I’m not sure I want to figure it out. I know this living in limbo thing isn’t where I want to be, that delaying an inevitable choice of how I make money and where I do it from is causing more harm than good, but again, how do you choose when all the options are good?

But when I think really hard about why I’m so tired lately, why I feel like my heart is heavier than I want to be, I know it is because I just feel so guilty for even having the option to do absolutely anything I want. And that I’m still not doing it.

I am so fortunate, through little to no effort of my own and really, who the f*** am I to turn down a job in a beautiful city in California? Who am I that thinks she can not only find a job elsewhere, but that it will have the flexibility and pay and quality that I want? Who am I to trust that I will be able to buy a house with a yard one day, that I’ll have a family of my own, that I’ll make decent money? Who am I to believe I’ll get these things, all without really planning much up to this point?

Why do I think I get to go on trips to Korea and Vancouver and California within a few weeks of each other? Why do I deserve friends that can fly to visit me, or trust that I still love them even when I rarely call? Why do I not have to look at the bill when I buy groceries?

Even this post is just so.. entitled. Here I am whining about how good I have it, writing it down because I think my friends or future self will care about what I have to say. Why do I have so much and still can’t make the moves I know I should make on my own?

I feel so guilty for not fighting like hell for my dreams or the dreams my family has for me, especially when I have so much groundwork already laid out for me. I have all the opportunities, all the gifts, all the tools to settle in to a life everyone can be proud of – and instead I’m coasting.

I don’t know if I’m really ready to change, maybe that is also where the exhaustion comes from. I know it is time to start making more progress on the things I want (my own home, a family, a real career, useful accomplishments), but I’m tired and grumpy and afraid and all my brain wants to do is sit quietly alone with a puzzle.

So while I know on paper the right thing to do is to move to California and work my ass off, make a new life and set myself up with a career I’ll have forever, I also know that it is really time for me to start making big moves with my heart – and California isn’t it.  

I’m not going to move there. And I’m f***ing pissed that I can’t choose from a nice set of other options, that instead I’m stuck here in limbo with no clue what to do and no idea how to figure it out. I’m so embarrassed that I haven’t figured more of my life out by now.

I do know I need to step up. That I need to break this trend of indecision that leads to making no choice at all. But guys, seriously, I’m just so tired.