Having moved out of our place in Oxford, we have are spending a couple of weeks in Italy with my husband’s family (he’s Italian). Now let me confess… my husband’s dad drives me crazy!
I mean, he is a good person. He is kind and well-meaning. He welcomed me into his family even when I didn’t speak any Italian. He likes playing games and is often fun to be around. But… he drives me crazy.
I feel like whenever we are at my husband’s family home, we immediately become kids. Somehow our opinion doesn’t count for anything and we are continuously being lectured about what to do and how to do it.
One issue for instance is laundry. My husband’s dad (let’s call him Richard) prefers to control the laundry machine. As we are moving out of our previous home, we brought lots of boxes to store in Italy until we go to our next destination. Our last place had some moths in the closet (possibly clothing moths) so we decided to wash some of our stuff at higher temperatures to kill any bugs. Somehow, however, this was not something we were allowed to do. Now this is not an issue of electricity or cost etc but of Richard being worried we weren’t taking proper care of our clothes. After some argument about it, he went so far as to wash our clothes on the heat he thought best when we were out. This really frustrated me because it seems like my clothes should be my business. If I want to wash them at whatever temperature, it should be my choice… but I guess not.
But this is just the beginning. Let’s not even talk about food. Richard thinks the two of us (particularly my husband) are too skinny, so we endlessly have to hear the benefits of olive oil and receive criticism whenever we don’t want to amply pour it on every food on our plate. We also receive criticism for not eating enough meat (even though Richard is vegetarian), for not eating enough fruit at the end of the meal, for not taking seconds or (thirds), for not trying every type of cheese available … basically for everything involving eating. Normally Richard cooks most of the food. I would like to prepare something or to help, but I generally avoid the kitchen for the stress of finding out that everything I have done has been done in the ‘wrong’ way.
To put the apple on the cake, we went on a two day trip a couple of days ago to town called Lucca (where there is a big comic convention). Richard stayed home (he always does) and while we were gone he cleaned our room. This itself makes me a little uncomfortable- him going through our things, no doubt mentally criticising us for being messy etc. However, when we returned I realized that he had also reorganized the drawers where I keep my clothes (in particular, my underwear, bras, etc). Now, maybe this is a bit gross, but I had been hiding a few extra dirty underthings in there because I already feel embarrassed about him doing all the laundry and was waiting to try to find an opportunity to launder them myself. I felt mortified when I came back and realized that Richard had been ruffling through my personal things in there and reorganizing them. I really felt my personal space had been violated.
Somehow it feels bad to complain when someone is cooking for you, cleaning for you, doing your laundry etc. You feel like you are obligated to feel grateful to them. But I don’t want my husband’s dad to do those things. I be much more comfortable feeling less forced into gratitude and more like an adult who can be trusted to make their own decisions about their life.
I think it doesn’t help that I wasn’t raised this way. My mom was never the bundle-up-before-you-go-outside, always-for your-own-good type. I was given a lot of authority over my choices even at a young age—you should see some of the outfits I was allowed to wear to school! I am just not used to being continuously told what to do, and, at 28, it is particularly grating. I honestly love my husband’s family. As I said, they mean well. They care about me. But inside I sometimes ask myself… why, why can’t we rent our own place when we visit and just come over for dinner!
Wow, that is definitely weird, and I can see why you would feel annoyed and violated. But it’s always so tricky when it comes to family, especially in-laws. For some reason I would have no problem telling my own parents off if they were doing something I didn’t like, but if it were my in-laws I would probably either quietly stew or ask my husband to bring it up with them. I think there’s always going to be some funny issues like that when merging two families, and even more so for you since there’s an additional difference of culture, too. Has Richard always been like this, or has he become more involved with your affairs since his wife passed away?
It’s nice that he cares about you both and wants to help but at some point you have to be blunt and tell him where the boundaries are. I think the funniest part is telling you to eat more meat when he’s a vegetarian. What???
I don’t think this is related to Richard’s wife passing- in all honesty, they were both this way before. The only thing that has changed I think is that I have gone further from the category of ‘guest’ (who are entitled to more independence and privacy) to the category of family. Somehow family are people you love and thus you get to boss them about ‘what’s best for them’.
But yeah- there is 100% a cultural element here. I think the attitude of my husband’s family is very traditional and very Mediterranean. My friend Dimitros’ Greek mother is even more that way. As the mother, she is the matriarch- she takes care of the whole family to an extraordinary level, including coming all the way to England to cook and clean and launder for her son, but at the cost of getting to control everything and telling everyone how things must be done. I like her but she would still drive me crazy as a mother (or mother in law!). So yeah- I recognize the cultural element- I also recognize that this kind of bundle-up attitude is probably more traditional than today’s American values- but the buck stops here: no way I am raising my children that way. They have to clean up for themselves and I won’t continually boss them about ‘what’s best’ for them.
Laundry is especially personal. As are drawers. I give that a whole lot of nope. Not okay. Same for the food, I’ve been getting a decent amount of criticism from my coworkers on how often and how much and what I eat at work and it’s really uncomfortable, not to mention uncalled for. I don’t tell them not to eat Burger King everyday, why do they think it is okay to comment on my oranges and cheese sticks? I know I need to work on packing lunches and eating at more consistent times, but that is my thing to worry about and their comments aren’t helping.
Your father in law will have to get the hint on food eventually, but on the laundry…. Maybe be super passive aggressive and bring a lock for a suitcase and lock things while you’re out!
Thanks for the sympathy, Lupine! Sometimes I start getting the feeling here that I am crazy for complaining about these things or having them bother me. It is hard just because my husband’s father basically never leaves the house, so there is so little breathing space to get some distance and perspective. But yeah- I completely agree about the food thing. If you are really worried about someone, maybe there are times you should say something, but in general- I say just mind your own business. We leave in 5 days though!