I have lived abroad for five and a half years now, and have no immediate plans to move back to the U.S. In that time, both my parents and in-laws have visited and traveled with us at least once, and now that we’re expecting twins, both sets of parents and my sister-in-law are all making plans for another visit to help in the first couple of months after the babies arrive. I’m so grateful for all of that and so glad that our loved ones have the financial means and the inclination to take on a trip to Saudi Arabia. I know very well that those vacation days and that money could be used for a lot of other things, but they’re choosing to bless us and spend some quality family time together in the time before we can travel with the kiddos to visit them instead. There’s one member of my family, though, who has consistently made it clear that he has no intention of ever visiting us here, no matter how long we stay–my brother.
Over the years I’ve tried to entice him casually now and then to consider a visit, but there were always pretty valid reasons why he couldn’t. First he was in college and had no money, then we planned a family trip to Europe which sort of accomplished the same thing…but now with his first ever “niblings” (actual word for nieces/nephews!) on the way, and the fact that he has been working at a decent, albeit not high-paying job for a couple of years, the time seemed right to have a more serious conversation about him maybe making the trip at some point.
Well, let’s just say, that conversation did not go particularly well. He’s always been less comfortable with the fact that we moved so far away, and I think to some extent has always held a bit of a grudge about this, though he’d never admit it was because he cared about us (well, me–he’s got issues with my husband that could fill an entire other post). So he’s generally adopted a kind of mocking disinterest about our lifestyle choice, sort of a “you’ve made your choice and I’ve made mine” kind of attitude. I have to twist his arm to get him to Skype with me every month or two, and then when we are together, he has been known to point out how we don’t have a close relationship anymore. Anyway, he immediately threw my suggestion of a visit back in my face, saying, “Why would I want to do that?” When I pointed out that he just might want to visit his four immediate family members who would be residing here for the foreseeable future, he basically said he’d rather we come to him (never mind the fact that we have probably spent close to $30,000 doing just that over the years).
I should have known better than to press him on this, since, as I said, he’s made his opinions of where we live pretty clear in the past, but when it comes to arguing with my brother I often just can’t help myself. So, I pushed.
We ended up going down a dark and increasingly offensive trail in which he revealed that his real issue (other than being frugal with his money, which I can respect) was the nation of Saudi Arabia itself, or as he referred to it, “the most evil country on earth.”
So, there’s that. He doesn’t want to visit me because it would require him to step foot on soil he considers to be beneath him and somehow inherently evil. Now, I can certainly agree with a lot of his criticisms of Saudi–it’s a dark place in a lot of ways, and I in no way condone its ties to extremist ideologies, production and exportation of terrorists, and certain stances they hold politically. But I also fail to see why all of that is more important than a relationship with me or my children. As we talked more about this I became more offended on principle, and it was no longer about my own selfish desire to have my brother come and visit. I couldn’t fathom how he could judge an entire country on the basis of their politics, religion, and leaders, and completely disregard the hospitality and goodness he would find if he bothered to come here and actually meet Saudis and see how life is.
He said, “why would I go to a place where everyone would hate me?” He was convinced this assumption would be accurate (based on what–a theoretical understanding of religion and politics mixed with a dose of Fox News?) and refused to consider that I might have reliable counter-evidence…you know, having lived here for five years and all.
“Have you ever actually met someone from Saudi?” I asked him, and he said no.
“Does the fact that I have met hundreds and haven’t found one who hated me for being American mean anything to you?” I countered. Again, he said, essentially, no.
This was probably a 30-45 minute argument–everything is with my brother–and it was crazy how different our worldviews seemed in that moment. I would never expect him to move here and make the same life choice we have, because I do recognize that there are deeply rooted cultural differences, and those can’t be dismissed lightly. I just wish he could get past his prejudices enough to come and see for himself why we enjoy living here. I suppose I wish that, like my parents, he was willing to put aside his personal fears and misgivings about Saudi for the sake of spending time with us.
The question of “what does your family think” is common among expats here, and yes, many lovely and well-meaning Americans have a skewed view of this nation and struggle to see it as anything beyond the country that produced Osama bin Laden and most of the 9-11 terrorists. That view is almost understandable when it comes to aging baby boomers who have never traveled abroad. But it’s not cute on a 26 year old who majored in political science. It’s not cute at all.
This frustrates me. Especially as someone who knows your brother. Also, I’d like to point out that as an international studies major I had to take a lot of the same classes that a poli sci major had to take and I don’t know how you come out of those classes without having your mind opened even a little bit. Honestly I think you have to try pretty hard to not have your mind opened to new ideas in those classes. I’m so sorry Bluebell. There’s no excuse for not putting your family ahead of any insecurities/uncomfortable things you might feel in a foreign place. Its his loss, and its a big one.
I can sympathize with your brother being sad that you moved so far away, but I don’t sympathize at all with his view on Saudi Arabia. It seems so stupid to think of ‘good countries’ and ‘evil countries’. The situation is never as simple as that. Every country/people has its own set of issues- and, in my opinion, America is far from guiltless or perfect. I wouldn’t want to go to Syria (or maybe Egypt and parts of Turkey) but that is primarily because I worry about safety not because I can’t handle the idea of being in those places. Even if there are aspects of a culture/relgion/region you don’t like, it still seems like it is worth learning about them and understanding them (if only ultimately so you can effectively combat them). As Daisy said it is pig-headed and close-minded to shut the door on whole parts of the world or peoples. I have to admit I am a bit disappointed in your brother.
Thanks all! It doesn’t surprise me that you side with me on this one. It became about so much more than just “will he visit or won’t he.” I told him that if safety (or finances) was really his concern I could respect that. You know, if he were to phrase it like, “I would love to visit you guys and you’re very important to me, but I don’t really feel comfortable traveling to Saudi. What if we meet up for a cruise in a couple of years instead?” That would be so different from what he actually said. Granted, it was a long conversation and he had many reasons and “facts” to support his position, so what I have recorded here is somewhat biased. But I also don’t feel I’ve quoted him completely out of context.