Am I a Fool for Not Wanting to Do it All?

The dilemma of the working mother: somehow “doing it all” by maintaining her career and caring for her family. I work as a teacher, which is a profession which is better suited than most to striking this balance. When my kids are in school, we’ll be on the same schedule, and the holidays ensure that I’ll still get a good amount of quality family time each year. However, with the birth of my twins less than 5 months away, I have to think very seriously about what next school year will look like for me. And to be honest, I don’t really want to come back to work.

When my husband and I started trying for a baby almost two years ago, I was working at a school 30-45 minutes from home where, though I enjoyed my work, I didn’t see a long-term future. To put it politely, my school was chaotic and untrustworthy, and maternity leave seemed like the perfect segue into being a stay-at-home mom for a year or two. Essentially, if faced with the choice between spending every day with my babies and continuing to put up with the shit I faced at work, it would be a no brainer. Well, as you know a baby just didn’t come along on my perfect timeline. Now, two years and numerous fertility treatments later, I’m expecting twins, but I also recently started a new job at the school I have been longing to work at for the last four years. I can now walk to work and enjoy an uplifting professional environment where I am surrounded by colleagues who are constantly striving to improve their practice, and they make me better in the process. The stress level is like night and day when compared with my last school. But my current position is considered “part-time” in the sense that I don’t get benefits and I don’t get paid during any school holidays (two months out of the year!). What would really take my career to the next level is to transition to a “full-time” teaching position here next year, but how can I do that with two new babies at home?

When I told my boss I was pregnant I made it clear where my heart was–I intend to stay home next year and take it year by year after that. But some of my colleagues have hinted that they think I’m passing up an opportunity that doesn’t come along every day. In a way, it’s true. After all, it took me four years to convince this school to hire me, and there aren’t always openings in my subject area. This is why I felt such a pang today when the school sent out their job listings for next year and I saw my dream position on the list.

This school is a competitive environment, and people from around the world covet these positions, which pay extremely well and come with a lot of perks. I wouldn’t be a shoe-in for the job, but the fact that I already have a foot in the door might make this hiring season the best shot I’ll ever have.

And yet, I don’t want it. Not badly enough to hand my babies to someone else for eight hours a day in the first year of their lives. While some of my amazing colleagues have little ones at home and have come back to work after 10 weeks of maternity leave, I just don’t fancy trying to rise to a new level of challenge professionally while also getting hardly any sleep. I might be cut out to “do it all” someday; in fact, I’d bet on it. But I don’t think I’m cut out to do it right now, and the pain of what I might be missing makes any thoughts of next year bittersweet. I’m going to gain something absolutely invaluable, but it won’t be without sacrifice.

2 thoughts on “Am I a Fool for Not Wanting to Do it All?

  1. I’m with you on this one Bluebell. I know our work situations are different in that I”m not currently close to my dream job( not even sure what my dream job would be at this point), but I’ve never really felt like I’ll want to come right back to work after having a kid. Don’t let other people tell you what is right for you. Only you know that. Your job does not need to dictate your whole life if that’s not what you want.

  2. I also tend to think you should follow your heart on this one, Bluebell. As someone pretty strongly dedicated to my future ‘career’, I sympathize with the dilemma. Like you, I have given a lot to getting where I am and don’t really want to see it all go to the wayside. However, I think that those kind of mental ultimatums (its now or never!) are generally lies. Sure, you might not have this exact opportunity again, but you will always have new chances. You may have to go back a step if you start teaching again in a few years, but it isn’t like that is the last word. Also in academia there is this constant stress that if you don’t go-go-go you won’t make it, but I feel that in reality life rarely works that way. People take breaks, have babies, have mental breakdowns (whatever) and often come back stronger and wiser.

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